My Breakup by Lori Vail
It was the love of my life, so I thought until it so abruptly ended. Everything seemed to be so right, and I truly felt happy. Then one day it happened. I’ll never forget that day. It was a rainy Friday in September. Actually it wasn’t until the following Monday that I actually realized it was over for good. I hadn’t received a phone call in days and the feelings of rejection began to set in.
You see we had fights prior to this one; also many were way more extreme. I don’t even remember what the last fight was over; it seemed so insignificant at the time. It wasn’t until later that I realized that the fight that ended our relationship really had subliminal feelings and thoughts in those last moments. People say that there are 5 stages that a person goes through while mourning the loss of a loved one, whether it is death or an end to a long-term relationship. Those five stages are denial, anger/resentment, bargaining, depression and acceptance. And did I ever experience those stages. I am a woman so by laws of nature I am an emotional being. On top of this factor I am the extreme of emotional. I experience all feelings to their fullest.
I spent a considerable amount of time in the first stage, which is denial. I would keep my phone close by me waiting for it to ring at all times. I just kept telling myself that he would call and everything would be all right. This made me feel crazed with anticipation at all times. It would even affect my sleeping patterns because I was always so eagerly aware of my phone and the fact that I just knew it would be ringing soon that I slept very lightly, awakening to every sound.
When I finally reached the second stage of anger it exploded like a volcano of hate inside me. I didn’t even know where all of the feelings were coming from, but I did know that I was angry. I began analyzing every day of the relationship, and every fight that we ever had. I began dwelling on past fights and issues that had happened. There were quite a few things to be angry about too. You see, I was actually cheated on, and lied to. Which can lie deep in your soul antagonizing you like a hangnail.
When a woman is involved in a relationship it is very common for her to lose herself. By this I mean, she stops thinking of herself as an individual and all her thoughts revolve around the relationship and what’s good for that relationship. This can be a very dangerous thing for a woman to do. In the process of this she can become extremely depressed and begin to lose self-esteem without even realizing it. Until one morning she wakes up and looks in the mirror and doesn’t recognize nor like the face that is looking back at her. She does everything she can to keep busy because when she is alone she forgets what she enjoys to do. She thinks of herself as part of a couple, and when she’s alone she feels that individually that she has no self worth. Without the relationship she is a nobody who’s ideas and thoughts have no impression on this world. This concept sounds so far fetched but is extremely common, especially among young girls experiencing the loss of their first love.
I too experienced this estranged feeling, and when I finally realized what was happening to me the anxiety set in. I was so scared to be alone because when I was alone I had to face up to myself. I had to look deep into my own soul and try to find my own path. This can be an incredibly overwhelmingly scary thing to face. So I tried not to face it. I have now entered the bargaining stage of my mourning process. I would pray and try to bargain with God to take away my pain and fear. When I finally spoke with my ex-love I would try to manipulate him into coming back to me. I would tell him how I would change and that I would do just about anything if it would make him happy. Even if it meant it would make me unhappy. I thought I would rather be a part of a couple and be in an unhealthy relationship that made me miserable as long as it meant I didn’t have to be alone and face myself. You see it is much easier to identify someone else’s problems and be their rescuer, than to identify your own problems and rescue yourself. And many people fall back into unhealthy cycles and ways of living their lives because of this factor. But considering that my ex wouldn’t take me back I couldn’t escape my pain.
So all of this pain built up inside my heart and my chest felt like it weighed a ton. I became extremely depressed. I was so sad that I didn’t want to get out of bed, I could hardly eat and my grades began to suffer because I couldn’t concentrate about anything but the pain that I was experiencing. I began sleeping a lot and missing class and work. Since I hardly had an appetite I began losing weight. This is when my friends began to notice I was having problems. I tried to hide them because I had become ashamed of myself. I didn’t like the person I had become. I realized by this point that I had lost myself. This made me even more depressed. Not only was I experiencing pain, sadness, and feelings of rejection, I didn’t know who I was anymore. For a short while I lived my life this way, I had no motivation to change it either. I did exactly what I had to do every day, school, work, etc. But I wasn’t experiencing life, I wasn’t growing as a person, and overall I was completely unsatisfied with myself.
Then one day I woke up and I went all day without thinking about my ex-love. It wasn’t the greatest day and nothing of importance happened. I had just gone about my daily routine without thinking one thought about him. Then the next day it hit me, I realized I was capable of living a life without him. I had accepted that we were broke up and that he was a part of my past and only my past. This was an overwhelmingly great feeling. It was such a change from the exhausting negative feelings I had been feeling for so long prior to this. I remember this day as a changing point in my life. I began looking at my past relationship as just that, my past. I realized that without him I was still my own person. And since I had lost myself I could reinvent my new self. This was so exciting to me, I could be whomever I want and do whatever I would like to do. And I began looking at this circumstance as an adventure. I had the greatest opportunity I could ever have. It’s not every day that someone can start their life over and become whomever they wanted to be. I embraced this awesome opportunity and got started with it as soon as possible.
Now every woman is different and every woman will reach this stage with a different idea on how they want to reinvent themselves. For me, I began an exercise program so that I could get into shape and feel good about my physical appearance. Then I began reading books that I enjoyed and that stimulated my mind. I changed my job, which isn’t something that everyone has the opportunity to do. But since I was young and still in school training for a career I just decided that I needed a change in my environment. This also helped me to meet new people that I could share my new self with. I also began concentrating on my studies again and my grades began to rise. All of these factors began raising my self-esteem.
Then one day I looked in the mirror and I smiled. I was happy to not only like what I saw but to know who I was once more. People can sense confidence and they like it, as long as it isn’t too much that it causes arrogance in an individual. And my circle of friends began to grow once again and I began enjoying life. I survived my break up just like many other people. I experienced all five of the mourning stages and in the end I was a much happier person. Instead of looking at all the negative things that had happened I looked at the final product (my new self) and was a much happier person. I learned a great deal and grew so much as a person that to this day I am very thankful for the break up. It was actually the best thing that ever happened to me, so far. In the end I even found love again. Once I was happy with myself and truly loved who I was I was capable of loving somebody else. And that is exactly what I did.
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